I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
