its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And then my night got REAL pukey
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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