I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
