I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
