Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
