I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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