We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
