At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
