This is not my ceiling
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
