It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i came on her dog
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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