No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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