dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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