rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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