he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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