i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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