i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Randomize
