I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
