Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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