but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
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My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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