Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
