if you like me you must not know who I am
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
