So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
