i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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