Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
