saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
