The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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