Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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