I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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