Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
