I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
