I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?