he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬