All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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