Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
