So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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