i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
