is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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