perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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