woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this beer tastes like vomit already
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
