Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
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your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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