I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
