what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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