Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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