I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
