Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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