hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
