Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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