Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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