I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
