She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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