You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
