I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
a search helicopter?!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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