How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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