You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
