this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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