Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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