Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
