sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
