The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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